Forgiveness – Part 4
(The following is the fourth part of a five-part series. I want to preface this article by saying it is a compilation of thoughts that began in February or March of this year. What started as a 3-word phrase “jumping off the page” one morning in my personal devotions has continued to develop over the past seven or eight months via further Scripture reading, Bible commentaries, King James Bible preaching and devotional books, as well as personal experiences. This is certainly not an exhaustive study on the subject of forgiveness but rather a glimpse into what the Lord has been teaching me this year.)
Our Responsibility
Offences will come to all of us. We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. We are reminded of this truth in Luke 17:1, “Then said he unto the disciples, It is impossible but that offences will come…” But, the verse goes on to give a stern warning, “…but woe unto him, through whom they come!” Verse two continues the thought, “It were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.” (Oh my! How very careful we should be in our words and actions!)
Knowing that offences will come, what is our responsibility?
First of all, if we are the offender, our responsibility is to humble ourselves and repent to God. If we are aware that we have offended an individual, we must also go to them and seek forgiveness as well. No, this isn’t easy…not at all! Why is it so difficult to do? Because saying “I’m sorry” requires us to admit we were wrong. Admitting we were wrong requires humility and our flesh absolutely hates that! Repentance wounds that ugly thing we all struggle with called pride. Over the years I have learned that, in the words of my pastor, “if I have to eat crow, it’s better while it’s hot”. In other words, although repentance is a HARD thing to do, it’s much easier to do it quickly! I believe that there is even a danger in delaying repentance. Too often, when we ignore the Holy Spirit’s first nudging of an offence we have committed, we begin to allow our own human reasoning to take over. The longer we allow this carnal thinking to go on, the worse it gets:
“What I did really wasn’t that bad.”
“They’re just being too sensitive…they need to grow up.”
“I’m not perfect, you know.”
“They’re CERTAINLY not perfect.”
“I never can please them.”
“They just don’t like me.”
“They probably hate me.”
“Actually, I really think they’re out to destroy me.”
“Hey! The more I think about it, I’ve done nothing wrong at all! THEY are the guilty ones!”
Last week, on KNVBC, there “just happened” to be a week-long series on forgiveness. Although I was not able to hear all of it, the main thrust of the series was Br. Trieber sharing his sincere burden on the need for forgiveness. In relation to this article, one thought at the beginning of Friday’s broadcast was:
Asking forgiveness is not negotiation. It is not 50/50. Seeking forgiveness is 100% – 0%. (In other words, it is not, “I’m sorry…now, you say you’re sorry.” It is not, “I was wrong…but you have faults too.” Seeking forgiveness is, “I am sorry…I was wrong…please forgive me.” Period.)
We have already seen, in II Corinthians 7:10, 11, that it is godly sorrow that produces genuine, biblical repentance.
When an offender is only interested in negotiation, they have not experienced godly sorrow.
When an offender downplays their offence with comments such as “nobody’s perfect”, they have not experienced godly sorrow.
When an offender throws a pity party with comments such as “I never do anything right”, they have not experienced godly sorrow.
When an offender simply “turns over a new leaf” and pretends the offence never happened, they have not experienced godly sorrow.
When an offender makes light of the one they have offended, they have not experienced godly sorrow.
When an offender taunts and berates the one they have offended, they have not experienced godly sorrow.
Any of the above responses are self-motivated and not selfless, godly sorrow which in turn produces biblical repentance.
Again, seeking forgiveness is:
“I am sorry…I was wrong…please forgive me.” Period.
(Not necessarily in those exact words but certainly with that sincere admittance of our guilt in the matter.)
It has already been stated that we live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. I’ll go even further to say that we live in a very mixed-up world where “right is wrong and wrong is right” – at least that is what the ungodly would like for us to believe. As we get closer to Christ’s return, we are to expect this from the unsaved. But, allowing this backwards thinking to creep into our own Christian relationships is very sad indeed. To knowingly offend a brother or sister in Christ and then refuse to restore that relationship via repentance is wrong. But then, to twist it around where the victim is now the offender and the offender is the victim is dangerous ground.
An incident came to my mind that happened years ago. One of my children had deeply offended another of my children. As I sternly looked the offender in the eyes, I said something like this:
“I want to remind you that when you did that, you not only offended your sibling…you offended my child.”
Friend, when we offend a brother or sister in Christ, we are guilty of offending one of God’s children. I do not think that God takes that lightly.
Yes, offences will come! We will be offended and we will be guilty of offending. When we are the guilty party, how careful we must be to avoid this worldly way of thinking that “right is wrong and wrong is right”. How careful we must be to avoid twisting the situation to make us look like the victim while placing blame on the one that we have offended. How quickly we must strive for a restored relationship that comes only through admitting guilt and asking for forgiveness.
And then, if we are the one who has been offended and there is no indication that the guilty party is aware of their offence, we should go to the individual and tell them his/her fault. (The offender could truly be totally oblivious to their offence. If they are closely in tune with God, they will sense the Holy Spirit convicting them but if this is not the case and we don’t inform them, we have no right to expect an apology.) After being informed, if the individual is repentant, our responsibility is to forgive the offender immediately. Refusing to forgive is choosing the harmful route of bitterness.
“The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh.” Proverbs 11:17
It has been said often, “Bitterness is like drinking poison while hoping the other person dies.”
Refusing to forgive is choosing to disobey God’s Word.
“Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.” Luke 17:3,4
Matthew Henry’s comments on the above verses are as follows…
***************************
“You are commanded, upon his repentance, to forgive him, and to be perfectly reconciled to him: If he repent, forgive him; forget the injury, never think of it again, much less upbraid him with it. Though he do not repent, you must not therefore bear malice to him, nor meditate revenge; but, if he do not at least say that he repents, you are not bound to be so free and familiar with him as you have been. If he be guilty of gross sin, to the offence of the Christian community he is a member of, let him be gravely and mildly reproved for his sin, and, upon his repentance, received into friendship and communion again. This the apostle calls forgiveness. You are to repeat this every time he repeats his trespass, Lu 17:4. If he could be supposed to be either so negligent, or so impudent, as to trespass against thee seven times in a day, and as often profess himself sorry for his fault, and promise not again to offend in like manner, continue to forgive him.” Humanum est errare–To ere is human. Note, Christians should be of a forgiving spirit, willing to make the best of every body, and to make all about them easy; forward to extenuate faults, and not to aggravate them; and they should contrive as much to show that they have forgiven an injury as others to show that they resent it.” ~ Matthew Henry
************************
If the offender is obstinate by refusing to “own” their offence, our responsibility is to always be ready to forgive that individual the instant they have, in humility, asked for forgiveness. A person who sees no need to apologize for offences is oftentimes more concerned about and therefore focused on their own comfort. Because of this, they see their offence as a little “oops” on their part when in reality, it may have caused a variety of issues and prayer concerns in our lives. It is for this reason that we must be careful to guard our hearts against bitterness. A good way to prevent this is to remember that, just as with Joseph (read Genesis, chapters 37, 39-50), God has allowed this hurt in our lives and He has meant it for our good! The Lord desires that we grow from this experience and this will only take place as we accept the offence as coming from the hand of God and submit to what He desires to teach us.
Another way to prevent bitterness from taking root in our lives is to pray for the offender – that they would see the error of their ways, repent and thus experience peace with God and man. Although they may appear to be happy on the outside, genuine joy is impossible while unconfessed sin is present. Strive to remember this and allow God to replace the hurt they have caused with heart-felt compassion toward them. It has been said that “hurt people hurt people”. It is quite possible that the offender has never truly dealt with hurt from their own past. Perhaps, they were deeply wounded years ago yet never heard, “I’m sorry…” Our pastor preached a very impactful message several years ago on “The Ministry of the Scar”. The message allowed us to see the need to allow hurts to heal and thus become scars that can, in turn, be a valuable tool in our ministry to others. Perhaps, instead of allowing hurts to heal, the offender has allowed emotional wounds to fester all these years. Oh my…we truly need to pray for those who are enslaved to past hurts! (By saying this, I am in no way minimizing the hurt that some may be experiencing at this very moment. Some wounds go very deep and will require time and much grace from the Lord in order to heal. But, if it is our sincere desire to respond according to God’s Word, we are promised that His grace will be sufficient.)
But also, we should pray for their loved ones and friends. If this is an individual who is struggling to apologize to us, this may be an ongoing issue in his/her life that has left many wounded along the way. Pray for grace – especially for those closest to the offender.
“If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.” Romans 12:18
“Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21